Before I get to “What I Ate Today”, a couple small reminders that help keep my eating disorder at arm’s length/help me be kind to myself.
1. I remind myself I don’t have to do this eating thing perfectly.
I don’t have to be perfect.
I get to make mistakes and heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy, there is no “perfect” about food. Heck, calories from one apple to the next are going to be different.
One apple, one carrot, one Twinkie. NONE of them are identical and that calorie chart?
It’s only an estimate. Close enough is good enough.
2. When I was in my 20s and in the throes of my eating disorder, I vividly remember being hungry
all
the
time.
I remember the day I decided to not starve myself any more. While laying in bed and trying to steel myself to face the day, I realized I had gone to bed hungry and woken up hungry for at least TEN YEARS.
Sure, I was thin, but sooooooo tired and sooooooo hungry.
As it turned out, being thin didn’t make ANYTHING better. I hung in there because I really believed that if I could only get down to a magical number on the scale, somehow all my problems would vanish and all my dreams would magically appear. Sort of like a really mean Fairy Godmother would finally relent and transform my life into a Disney movie.
Yeah, not.
Those years of starving myself set me up so every time I tried to diet/manage my eating/lose weight afterward, a little voice inside me would start screaming/raging/freaking. End of diet/commence binge eating, because the truly healthy part of me didn’t want to EVER STARVE AGAIN.
So how did I get to the relatively calm place I am today?
Every time I feel the panic rise, I remind myself that I if I am hungry, I will let myself eat. Period.
Yes, I EAT FOOD. Real food. Food that doesn’t make my joints hurt or my guts ache or give me massive waves of hot flashes or grinding indigestion.
I feed myself food that makes me feel better and eat enough so I am not hungry. I eat around 1400 calories a day, which is more than recommended for losing weight,but not so little that I am constantly hungry. It helps that I am eating primarily a plant-based/high fiber diet, because all the bulk/fiber really helps with keeping hunger at bay. I could lose weight faster, but I would be hungry a lot and I promised myself I won’t do that to myself.
AND….I am not in a race with anyone and I don’t have to do this perfectly.
I read a sad post on a Facebook forum I follow. A woman posted that she “broke” her diet because she went to a family birthday party and ate one (ONE) bite of cake. She agonized over that one bite.
I was so sad reading her post because I remember living in that place of yes/no, perfect/imperfect, good/bad. It was one lousy bite and she was at a celebration with friends. One bite does NOT mean failure. Connections and love and laughter are every bit as nourishing and life-giving as food. I wanted to tell her to eat a whole piece of cake and simply go back to your eating plan on the next meal. It’s a piece of cake, not a rift in the Universe. It’s okay to live your life and live it perfectly imperfect and still be happy. Food still gets to be fun and still gets to be a source of pleasure. Eating healthy food should not be a punishment. If it is, then go back to eating cake!
So….here’s to being truly loving to ourselves. Here’s to letting happiness in and filling our days with more than worries. Here’s to delicious food and delicious walks in the sunshine and delicious memories of laughter and love. There is more to life than worrying about food.
Which brings me back to what I ate today! HA!
Breakfast: I didn’t. I was busy working. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t bother.
Lunch: Okay, NOW I’m hungry! I ate leftover Spiced Moroccan Vegetable Soup with Chickpeas, with leftover quinoa and kale thrown in for good measure. The soup is AMAZING. I got it from a friend and here’s the link:
https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/spiced-moroccan-vegetable-soup-with-chickpeas-cilantro-and-lemon-harira
Midafternoon hunger: Half an apple (my dog mooched the other half-LOL) with a tablespoon of peanut butter and some carrots.
Dinner: It’s been a hell of a work week and I am sooooo tired. I really wanted a hamburger but know from experience that high-fat meats are not my friend (raging indigestion that lasts for days.) I made a burger using a Gardien black bean burger on a gluten-free bun. Added a half an avocado mashed to the bun instead of mayo, a sliced tomato, dill pickle and greens. Yum. I also threw some frozen steak fried into the toaster oven, because if I’m eating a burger, I want fries! Yeah, the Gardien burgers are just meh, but the whole thing altogether was pretty good.
I was STILL hungry though, so I l gave myself some time to think about what I *really* wanted/needed.
I realized I wanted/needed/was craving was greens. I made myself a simple mixed green salad with sliced up fresh snap peas and threw some rice vinegar over the top. Holy smokes, did that ever hit the spot!
So, for today’s photo, I present….the salad! LOL
Seriously, it was soooooo good! I’m glad I listened to my body! Cheers!
And….the “burger”. Looks pretty good, yes? Thank you, New Cascadia for making fantastic gluten-free buns!
